It’s His Day
It’s his day. My one sibling and older brother’s day. For anyone who has lost someone, you know more than anyone else that it will be okay. Sometimes that’s hard to hear, sometimes we deny it, sometimes we’re angry at the thought and want to throw and shatter that phrase into pieces because we feel like we will never be able to relate to anyone ever again…but God understands my unique story. And that’s enough. And that’s good. It gives me space to lean on Him.
Took me five years to get that, and I’ve only gotten that because of the loving people around me who have helped me see Him in my life, in others, and in myself. I had to let them in and accept that “cheesy” and loving can be authentic and true. Real talk.
I believe it is true when they say that the one thing that’s consistent about life is that “it goes on.” I didn’t even realize I buried my own emotions and tried to rationalize and “practicalized” God’s working in my brother and even young cousin’s (Quynh Pham) deaths. I was lost during the four years after Peter Asanka Pham died, and at the beginning of this past year I was at the end of myself. Everything on the outside looked proper, ambitious, and put together, but I wasn’t okay. I had been running on fumes and impulses and not on a relationship with Jesus – needed prayers from others. I had tried to find completion and healing in romantic relationships, and that whole time the constant gentlemen who is Jesus was waiting for me to look at him. A guy just does not have the capacity to fill and heal my broken heart like Jesus does – and it’s not their fault!
I am so grateful that every day I dive deeper and deeper into a relationship with God by choosing to open my eyes and ears to Him in silence, prayer, and others that I trust. My brother was a really funny and good person, and he always encouraged me to think for myself when I would rely so much on him to be my conscious and moral compass. But I would probably have not found Jesus at this point in my life if God hadn’t taken him from this physical world. I am so happy that my brother is with Jesus now, but it still hurts because I miss him.
What matters so much to me is living in a way that my brother would be proud of, and I hadn’t been living that way for so long. I made the same mistakes over and over again because that was all I knew, but God kept chasing after me. King David wrote, “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Psalm 23: 6). No matter how ashamed I was and can be “goodness will always be chasing me because God is good” (Pastor Chase Wiggins).
I am so grateful for this path that I have had, and I cry now thinking about you Jesus and you Pete; that you have always cheered me on and been there for me in the small coincidences of life. I work hard and study hard and have given up things that my heart longs for, and I do my best to obey you Jesus because I know this is the path that you have set for me. Thank you for giving me 22 years with my amazing brother, and for letting me grow so much ever since then.
Friends, you may not have physically lost someone, but I know that most of us lose someone within our journey – maybe a friend who was only there for a season, a family member who just can’t be with us, or even ourselves. Let’s get up and really wake up everyday and open our ears and eyes.